surrender.

I've been promising this post for awhile now, but God keeps holding me back... I think I'm ready now.

A component of faithfulness heavy on my heart the last month & a or so is surrender. What is God calling me to surrender, to Him and for Him?

Listening to this song by BarlowGirl was what made it click for me that "surrender" summed up what had been on my heart. (http://www.barlowgirl.com/discography/album/barlowgirl/surrender)

My hands hold safely to my dreams

Clutching tightly not one has fallen

So many years I've shaped each one

Reflecting my heart showing who I am

Now you're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly

Can't open my hands can't let go

Does it matter?

Should I show you?

Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently

You say I will be free

I know but can't you see?

My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me

And that you want the best for my life

Told me the world had yet to see

What you can do with one

That's committed to Your calling

I know of course what I should do

That I can't hold these dreams forever

If I give them now to You

Will You take them away forever?

Or can I dream again?

And then an I'm-so-tired-I'm-going-to-die moment at 2:30am with a very sick boy turned into a wonderful, worshipful moment when God brought this song by Big Daddy Weave to my heart: "And now just to know you, Lord, has become my great reward. To see your kingdom come, your will be done, I only desire to be yours, Lord."

The tears started flowing.

What can my life be when I surrender everything, leaving only the desire to be God's, to know God, to do His will?

"But don't I already surrender a lot?!" says the "martyr mom" side of me. Sometimes it really feels like I just give of myself, a lot! But that's not what surrender is about.

And I'm definitely not currently surrendering what I need to, to the Lord.

Last week I wrote: I'm feeling it heavy today, as a few of my hardest things to surrender are popping up in the forefront of my mind. I want to spend my time wisely (so many aspects of this one!). I want to be healthy and look good. I want to be an inspirational/influential blogger. 

I can tell I'm not surrendering those things in this moment because as each of them came up within the last 30 minutes in different ways I allowed myself to compare, to feel sorry, to wallow.

Then the quote {I've been repeating to myself over and over lately} popped into my head: "Comparison is the thief of Joy." I called out Satan. I spent some time in prayer. Heart a little lighter.

Then our Pastor shared this verse one week: 

Luke 14:26 (NLT) “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple."

Surrender is about loving Christ more than everything.

Following God first.

Liking being Christ's disciple more than {insert desire/dream here}. 

When Pastor Paul said, "What's holding you back from surrendering? To His greatness, in devotion, and discipleship?" I realized... I need to fathom His greatness first. 

So that's where I'm starting now. Building on top of the great love my heart has found for Jesus, to learn more about Him, and fathom His greatness... So I can surrender to Him.

Lord, help me to understand the importance of surrender, and what I need to surrender to You: this season, this year, this month, this day, this moment. Open my heart to placing my hopes, dreams, desires in Your hands; to the fact that You can take them, and make them so much greater than I could ever hope, dream, imagine.